1 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,120 What? 2 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,760 You all right? 3 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:06,880 Hiya. 4 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,600 You here to see Mr Bedford? 5 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,640 Yeah. Well, sort of. 6 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,360 He's dead. No, I know. 7 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:13,840 I'm here to, uh... 8 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,840 What? 9 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,920 I'm here to clean up the blood. What? 10 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,840 I'm here to clean up his blood! 11 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,600 I'm a crime scene cleaner. 12 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,800 Well, why are you ringing the doorbell if you know he's dead? 13 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,520 I thought his relatives might be in, no? 14 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,640 No, he didn't have any. Just a dog. 15 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,520 Well, here's the thing - 16 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,000 some dogs can open doors these days. 17 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,240 My mate Daz, he taught his dog to walk on its hind legs. 18 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,280 In the end, that's the only way it walked. 19 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,480 It was weird seeing him round town. 20 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,720 It just looked like he was hanging out with a hairy kid 21 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,480 that kept shitting on pavements. 22 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,040 Good chat. 23 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,040 Ah, no. Argh! 24 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,600 What the...? 25 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,560 This felt more polite. 26 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,680 Right. 27 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,320 Got another dog story? 28 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,920 I am so sorry about that. 29 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,600 It's so stupid of me going on about walking. 30 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,440 What? Eh? 31 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,040 Um, my phone's run out of charge, 32 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,280 and I've got the wrong keys for next door 33 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,080 and it's chucking it down. OK. 34 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,400 I couldn't plug it in, could I? Phone the boss. 35 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,640 Save me running back to the office. 36 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,240 I can't imagine you've done a lot of running lately. 37 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:58,680 You can use my phone. 38 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,200 Really? Get up! 39 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,960 You OK? 40 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,440 Yes, it's middle age, isn't it? 41 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,520 The old legs not what they once were. 42 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,000 Bad legs. 43 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,440 Ba-a-ad legs! 44 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,720 I'll just get my stuff. 45 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,960 Uh, what's in the lunch box? 46 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,640 A ham sandwich. 47 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,760 Well, that can stay out there. Why? 48 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,600 I'm vegan. 49 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,040 Course you are. 50 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,560 Charger. 51 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,840 Thanks. 52 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,720 Eeee... 53 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,000 This is so nice of you. 54 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,440 Are you surprised to meet a nice disabled person? 55 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,440 Dis... You're not... 56 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:55,920 Are you dis...? You... 57 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,480 You're not dis...abled. 58 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,240 You shouldn't say that about yourself. You're special, 59 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,920 and not special needs. 60 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,200 I bet you've got exams, have you? Course you have. 61 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,800 Can you re... Course you can read! Come on! 62 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,880 So you didn't notice the wheelchair? 63 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,080 Yeah, I suppose I did. 64 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,240 My peripheral vision, I must have clocked it, 65 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,560 like you do with fat people, 66 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,760 I must have thought, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fat." 67 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,520 Fat? You're not fat, you're thin. 68 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,040 Not too thin. You're about the right weight, are you? 69 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,640 The phone's in there. Yeah! 70 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,560 Left! 71 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,440 It's here! 72 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:34,920 Fucking hell. 73 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,880 It's fine. When are they sending someone? 74 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:44,280 Yeah? No, no, it's fine. 75 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,880 Yeah, I can wait, course. 76 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,000 All right. All right, boss. 77 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,080 They're sending someone over. 78 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,840 Well... 79 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,520 I'll be off. 80 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,040 Uh, hey! 81 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,360 Yes? 82 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,640 Well... 83 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,160 Please could you get the orange? 84 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,240 Oh! Yes, of course. 85 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,200 Yeah, I just... I didn't like to presume. 86 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,960 Presume what? 87 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,800 Presume you didn't have a system. 88 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,880 A system for getting an orange out from under a sofa? 89 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,840 Yeah, yeah. My mate works at a rehabilitation centre 90 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,400 for, um... And he says, "You should never presume - 91 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,840 "they might find it humiliating." 92 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,440 They? Yeah. 93 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,680 They. Them. 94 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,160 You... Legs. 95 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,480 Well, in this instance, 96 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,000 isn't it just being nice to get the orange for me? 97 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,480 Of course. I shouldn't be listening to Weasel anyway. 98 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,160 He shouldn't be allowed to work there. He's a dirty bastard. 99 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:50,680 He'll bone anyone. 100 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,400 Oh, even me? 101 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,920 Oh, my God, he'd be all over you. 102 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,120 And do I not want to get boned? 103 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,880 Not by Weasel. He's only got three teeth. 104 00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,880 Could you just get the orange for me, please? 105 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,800 I'll get the orange. Thank you. 106 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,680 Uh-oh, old legs playing up again? 107 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,840 My bloody back's gone. Oh, has it? 108 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,360 Do you mind if I just... 109 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,600 Sor... Sorry. 110 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,320 There she blows. 111 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,600 That's sore. 112 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,680 Ooh, it stings. 113 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,840 Oh, when it goes, it goes. 114 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,080 Look, can I wait here till they come? 115 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,640 Course. I didn't like to presume. 116 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,200 Oh, yeah, that's funny, 117 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,720 because of the, uh, the legs. 118 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,880 It's not just murders. 119 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,520 Sometimes it's suicides or just accidents, you know. 120 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,120 So what happened to Bedford? 121 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,240 Oh, I shouldn't say. 122 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,400 What? Tell me. 123 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,720 Well, he was on his own when he died, 124 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,600 and they didn't find him 125 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,240 and his dog was there. So it, uh... 126 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,760 What? It sort of... 127 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,360 ..ate his head a bit. 128 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,960 Good. 129 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,600 Good? 130 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,360 Well, he never walked that dog. 131 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,160 He deserves to get his head eaten by it. Oh, right. 132 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,040 So I'm not allowed to have a ham sandwich, 133 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,200 but it's all right for a dog to tuck into Mr Bedford? 134 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,720 Into his headford? 135 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,240 Of course, it's a dog! 136 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,240 It doesn't know any better. 137 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,960 Yeah. Mr Bedford's deadford, so dog ate his headford. 138 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,840 It's not appropriate, this, is it? Any of this? No. No. 139 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,800 Oh. 140 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,880 Landline? Old school. 141 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,360 Yeah, Mum's idea. It's a good backup, apparently. 142 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,600 This'll be her now. She's probably worried 143 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,000 you're stuck under the sofa trying to get a trapped orange. 144 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,880 Um, uh, hi, Helena. It...it's me. 145 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,920 Um, look, I'm sorry to call, it's just, I... 146 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,280 I'm do... I'm doing pretty terrible at the moment, 147 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,440 and I... Oh. 148 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,840 And I needed to...to hear the sound of your voice. I just... 149 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,400 Um, I-I thought it would be a good idea to... 150 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,000 ..to look at...at some photos... 151 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,120 Read this... ..um, of us, you know, 152 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,960 as part of a...a healing process, I suppose, but... 153 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,960 I just... I just miss you so much, Helena. 154 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,800 I thought I'd get over it, but I can't. 155 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,200 Oh, God! 156 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,920 I'm sorry. 157 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,440 Oh, shall I? 158 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,200 I didn't call just to... 159 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,080 I didn't call just to cry at you down the phone, 160 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,680 but these photos, I just... 161 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,200 ..I love you. 162 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,840 Bye. 163 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,120 Mm... 164 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,400 Wrong number? 165 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,800 What? 166 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,400 It's all I could think to say. 167 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,840 It was that or put my whole fist in my mouth. 168 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,160 When did you split up? 169 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,560 Two months ago. 170 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,240 I'm sorry. 171 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,000 Don't be. It was his fault. 172 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:52,320 He knew what he was getting into, he said he could adapt, 173 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,680 but he couldn't. 174 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,200 Believe me, he couldn't. 175 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:10,880 Look, 176 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,800 I know it's normal for you, 177 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,960 but it must have been a big change for him. 178 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,680 Well, then, he couldn't have cared. 179 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,600 Come on. 180 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,040 I mean, if you're not used to... 181 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,680 Even holding hands must be weird, mustn't it? 182 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,080 What? 183 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:33,000 You must feel that, any minute, you could get carried away 184 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,520 and just bowl you, 185 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,720 straight into a river maybe. 186 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,160 And then what? 187 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,120 What happens if he books a restaurant with a tall table? 188 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,600 What are you talking about? 189 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,080 Well, you'd know better than me, 190 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,800 but book the wrong place and... 191 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,480 ..he's going to be eating with a floating head, isn't he? 192 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,200 He couldn't handle the fact that I'm vegan. 193 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,720 What? 194 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,680 We split up because he couldn't cope with my veganism, you idiot. 195 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,040 Of course! 196 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,400 Of course, that's going to be 197 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,320 a real lifestyle clash as well, isn't it? 198 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,360 I mean, what's all this bullshit? 199 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:08,840 Do you want another cup of tea? I've got a really dry mouth. 200 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,000 Have you got a dry mouth? I'll make it, you stay... 201 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,720 Yeah, lovely. Lovely cup of tea, isn't it? 202 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,040 He said it wasn't a problem at the start. 203 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,280 He said he'd been thinking about it anyway because 204 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,160 a lot of people at his work had gone full vegan. 205 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,120 It was perfect. And then... 206 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,240 ..my friend saw him at the supermarket, 207 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,840 and all he had in his basket 208 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,120 was one big pork chop. One big pork chop? 209 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,600 One big pork chop. Please tell me 210 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,880 you didn't end a relationship over one big pork chop? 211 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,040 No, of course not. 212 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,720 Thank God for that, I was going to say! 213 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,720 A pinch of salt, 15 minutes under the grill, 214 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,800 it's like it never existed. Lovely big pork chop. 215 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,920 I have physio on Tuesdays, 216 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,680 and he always said he went to meet a friend. 217 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,800 I knew it, I knew it. 218 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,520 And I suppose... 219 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,360 ..she could walk, couldn't she? 220 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,520 It was his friend Toby. 221 00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,920 He's gay? 222 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,600 Gay Gareth, gay Toby, both walkers. You poor thing. 223 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,560 They were in a steak house! 224 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,040 That's bad. Is it? 225 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,240 Yeah. 226 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,000 I confronted him there and then. 227 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,480 I could barely stand to be in the building. 228 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,080 The stench of death was everywhere. 229 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,880 He didn't even try and deny it. 230 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,120 Said he's been going there every week for a "meat orgy". 231 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,680 A meat...orgy? 232 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,680 Mm. While I was in there, they brought out 233 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,560 a bucket of chicken wings. I thought I was going to be sick. 234 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,200 Ah, tell me about it. Disgusting, aren't they? 235 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,320 There's nothing on 'em. 236 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,240 It's like sucking a little skeleton. 237 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,600 Oh, for God's sake. 238 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:35,720 Eh? 239 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,240 Jeez. 240 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,360 It is! 241 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,280 Did you really dump him 242 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,560 just cos he goes for a steak every now and then? 243 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,640 Well, you might be happy to date a mass murderer, but I'm not. 244 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,360 It's clear you've had a few burgers, isn't it? 245 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,040 Ah, come on! 246 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,040 Yeah, it's fine to kill and eat animals. 247 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,000 Maybe I should date a people-trafficker next, 248 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,720 get myself a nice slave to do my housework. 249 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,680 You can't compare. They're animals! 250 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,400 You're old enough to remember The Smiths, 251 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,920 aren't you? Did Morrissey not get to you? 252 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,320 Yeah, Meat Is Murder's a great song, so is Fuck Tha Police. 253 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,120 I don't take songs literally. 254 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,120 I have had sex with a policewoman, though. 255 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,200 Look, you think... It was a dry hump. 256 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,760 You think that a human 257 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,920 is more important than an animal, obviously. 258 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,160 Well, yeah, if I'm honest. Why? 259 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,800 Well, because we know we're alive, don't we? 260 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,960 Cos we can talk and we can wa... Heh. 261 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,920 Walk upright? Ah, no. 262 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,400 You can't get me like that. I told you about my friend's dog. 263 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,520 Oh, will you stop with your friend and his dog 264 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,760 walking on its hind legs? 265 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,800 I would have reported him for animal cruelty. 266 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,920 The dog liked it. It made his lipstick come out. 267 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,680 Oh, right, well, shall we get some photographs up, shall we? 268 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,800 There's no need. 269 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,240 Oh, come on, we've got a nice one here, 270 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,160 of a calf being slaughtered, and a few of some baby chickens 271 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,640 being thrown through the grinder. 272 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,320 It'll really sharpen up your appetite. 273 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,600 I've seen the vegan stuff. I get it. 274 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,320 I just don't think you can compare humans and animals, that's all. 275 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,040 Because humans are aware they're alive, 276 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,560 because they're sentient? 277 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,760 Well, yeah. Fine. 278 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,600 Then go down to the old people's home, eat an Alzheimer's patient. 279 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,640 Oh, don't be daft. Why not? 280 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,240 They don't know what's going on. 281 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,680 You can have yourself a nice Alzheimer's ribeye. 282 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,240 I don't want an Alzheimer's ribeye. 283 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,520 Well, why don't you go down to the hospital, 284 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,000 eat a nice coma victim curry? 285 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,400 Stop making up delicious human dishes! 286 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,480 Look, I can see I'm winding you up. 287 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,960 I'm going to go and wait outside. 288 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,800 Fine, go! You stink of death anyway. 289 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,680 God. 290 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,360 For the record, the reason I stink of death 291 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,680 is, this morning, I cleaned up 292 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,240 the body of a woman who'd been killed in an armed robbery. 293 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,400 She had three children. 294 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,520 Shall I tell them it could have been worse? 295 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,720 She could have been caught going for a steak with Gareth! 296 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,880 I like a steak myself! 297 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,920 I'm a carnivore, and you're not going to spoil it for me! 298 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,360 I'd love to see your face if you had to kill a cow. 299 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:55,880 I've thought about this, actually, 300 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,360 and I could kill a cow! 301 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,600 You wouldn't know how to. 302 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,520 You're like all meat-eaters, a coward! 303 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,560 I'd punch a cow as soon as look at it. 304 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,640 And then I'd eat it! Raw! 305 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,160 Sorry about this, mate. 306 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,760 I'm having a row with a disabled girl about eating meat. 307 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,640 Which reminds me, 308 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,360 don't get me started about Quorn! 309 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,000 Are you there? 310 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,640 She's gone. 311 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,640 Hello, love. Hiya, Mum. 312 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,000 Fancy a hot pot? 313 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,600 Yes, come in. Yay! 314 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,240 Oh, Gareth, 315 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,720 you have been wronged! 316 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,480 Yeah, no, of course. 317 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,840 Yeah, no, I'm still here. 318 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,880 Yeah. 319 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,640 Tell him to take his time. 320 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,240 No, I'm happy to wait. 321 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,360 I want to wait. 322 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,720 Cheers, Mum. Got to go. 323 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:37,080 OK. See you later, darling. Oh, see you, Mum. Thanks! 324 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,720 Bye! Love you. Love you! 325 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,000 Bye! Bye! 326 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,720 Hello? 327 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,080 Oh. Hello. 328 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,560 What do you want? I just wanted to say sorry about earlier. 329 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,840 Apology accepted. Bye! 330 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,400 I've been, uh, reading about the old veganism 331 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,840 while I was waiting. 332 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,760 Really popular these days, isn't it? 333 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,040 Yeah, of course it is. 334 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,240 Mm, a lot of celebrities on the old "vege". 335 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,760 Yeah, it's just the dinosaurs who haven't woken up. 336 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,640 Yeah, I didn't know about cows. 337 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,840 Little moo cows' farts ruining the climate. 338 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,280 Well done. You've learnt what most people did a decade ago. 339 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,720 What's next? Will you be recycling? 340 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,320 You're really like superheroes, aren't you? 341 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,520 You vegans. 342 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,000 What do you want? I think I've left some cleaning stuff here. 343 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,120 You didn't bring any in. A small specialist brush. 344 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,040 I think it fell out of my pocket. I didn't see it. 345 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,960 It's not in my bag, so... I've told you, 346 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,400 there's nothing in here. I would have seen it. 347 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,920 Perhaps it rolled under your sofa. 348 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,840 Like I said, there's nothing in here. 349 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,840 Mind if I have a look? Yes, I do mind. 350 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,320 I won't be long. No. 351 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,400 I think I'm going to jump you. 352 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,440 You wouldn't dare. 353 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,840 I would dare. 354 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,560 You wouldn't dare jump me. 355 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,520 I think I'm going to jump you. 356 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,960 No, you've got a bad back. 357 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,480 It popped back in. 358 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:07,760 No, no! 359 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,400 Aha! 360 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,640 What do you think you're doing? 361 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,840 You just got jumped. 362 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,280 And now you're going to get judged. 363 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,920 Ah! Jesus! 364 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,640 I flew too close to the sun! 365 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,000 This is for Gareth. 366 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,800 Leave it! Leave it! 367 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,240 Mmmm! 368 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,720 Beef! I knew it! 369 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,000 It's not what you think. 370 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,320 Is it not? Because I think that that was a hot pot full of beef! 371 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,520 Well, it was. Unbelievable. 372 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,160 You're not a vegan? No, I am, I am. 373 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,240 Did you eat that hot pot? 374 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,520 Well, yeah, but... 375 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,680 But nothing. Poor Gareth. 376 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,040 No, I hate it. 377 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,840 I just try and eat the potato, 378 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,640 just enough to make her think I've had it. 379 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:40,800 Eh? 380 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,920 Your mum doesn't know you're a vegan? 381 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,760 Well, I've tried telling her, but she just doesn't get it. 382 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,760 Well, tell her she can go to the old people's home 383 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,000 for an Alzheimer's steak. Worked for me. 384 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,760 Well, she took it harder than anyone. 385 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,000 Harder than me. What? 386 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,760 The accident. 387 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,400 I thought you'd always been in a wheelchair. 388 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,520 No. 389 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,960 Six years ago, car accident, drunk driver. 390 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,840 Bastard! 391 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,040 Why do people do that? No, no. 392 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,480 I was the drunk driver. 393 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,240 Yeah, well, we all like a drink when we're stressed, don't we? 394 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,720 Come on. I've operated a fork lift 395 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,480 after a bottle of Schnapps. Who hasn't? 396 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,280 No, I-I don't need you to try and make me feel better. 397 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,040 It's my own fault. 398 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,960 I'm just lucky that no-one else got hurt. 399 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,520 Well, I say no-one. 400 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:25,800 Oh, God. 401 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,400 You hit a cow, didn't you? 402 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,920 That's why you're a vegan. 403 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,880 No! I mean my mum. 404 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,000 She just worries and worries so much. 405 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,400 It's difficult seeing your own mum look at you 406 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,560 and then just start crying, no reason. 407 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,520 We could be having a perfectly nice day, 408 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,120 and then she'll see me in my wheelchair 409 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,120 and it's like she's seeing it for the first time. 410 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,920 But you're doing all right. 411 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,400 I mean, you're rubbish at getting oranges, but... 412 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,840 I'm fine. 413 00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,920 I've adjusted and I love life. 414 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,440 I probably do more than I would have 415 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,000 if it hadn't happened. 416 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,120 So you'd recommend it, being disabled? 417 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,920 Oh, shut up. 418 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:11,240 So, every week, she brings me a hot pot or a shepherd's pie, 419 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,440 and I just can't bring myself to tell her no. 420 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,160 It's her way of, like, helping, you see. 421 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,040 Her way of being a mum. 422 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,000 I get it. My mum used to make awesome hot pots. 423 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,080 Oh, I'm sorry. Is she not here any more? 424 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,120 No, she's fine, she just can't make hot pots any more. 425 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,160 Dad's got a catchphrase about it. 426 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,360 "Your mum used to be a great cook, kids. 427 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,960 "Now she's shit. I wish I'd never married her." 428 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,040 Jesus! 429 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,080 Oh, right, well, there you go, there's the full story. 430 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,880 God, I'm exhausted. I feel like I need a beer. 431 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,640 Hmm, I'm sorry, I can't help you there. 432 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,400 It's got animal products in it. 433 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,080 I prefer a joint these days, anyway. 434 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,320 Is that right? 435 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,360 No animals in a joint. 436 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,080 And have you, uh...? 437 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,880 You're like Robocop. 438 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,120 Your move, creep. 439 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,160 I haven't seen Robocop. 440 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,520 Oh. 441 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,280 How come your mum's allowed meat 442 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,040 and Gazza isn't? 443 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,880 It's different. How? 444 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,600 She's my mum, silly. She raised me. 445 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,760 When I first met him, I told him I was vegan, 446 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,240 and I take it seriously, 447 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,200 and I can't be with anyone who isn't. 448 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,360 Right. 449 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,000 He chose to come into my life, she chose to give me it. 450 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,360 I get it, your mum's allowed meat orgies. 451 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:15,400 Don't put my mum in the same sentence as "orgies", right? 452 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,120 Oh, and for God's sake, do not call him Gazza again. 453 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,520 Listen, all I'm saying is, 454 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,240 there's a double standard there, 455 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,960 but I'm going to let it slide because I have a question. 456 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,960 Oh, bloody hell. I don't want to talk about him any more. 457 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,880 It's not about him, it's not about meat, 458 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,880 but it is serious. 459 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,920 Can you get me one? 460 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,080 "One"? 461 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:45,360 You know, it's the Holy Grail. 462 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,560 Oh... 463 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,520 You're talking about a blue badge, aren't you? 464 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,640 Sweet freedom of the city. 465 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,800 No. 466 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,240 I'm not getting you a bloody disabled parking badge. 467 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,640 Yeah, thought not. Closed shop, ain't it? 468 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,560 Damn right. 469 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,000 There's got to be some perks. 470 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,360 I'm glad you admit it. 471 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,840 No, no, no, no. 472 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,640 Any advantages we have are fair. 473 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,760 Yeah, right. 474 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,200 I seem to remember 475 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,040 Oscar Pistorius did pretty well on those springs. 476 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:19,520 I mean, before all the horrible murder and stuff, obviously. 477 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,160 Springs? They weren't springs. 478 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,800 I know a spring when I see it, mate. 479 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,160 Guy bounced his way to victory. 480 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,040 Right, well, let's put your theory to the test. 481 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,520 There's a food truck down the road. 482 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:30,840 It does great vegan sausages. 483 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,240 I can't go, can I? My back. 484 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,440 No, I'm talking about levelling the playing field, 485 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,600 aren't I? A fair race. 486 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600 How? 487 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,000 Got a spare, haven't I? 488 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,520 Ah. Bring it. 489 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,000 Oh, I'll bring it. 490 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,200 Come on, able-bodied athlete, you're getting thrashed! 491 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,720 I'm in hell! Oh, what? 492 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,200 I don't get it! 493 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,280 Something wrong with your arms? 494 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,360 Too many burgers, that's your problem. 495 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:22,440 Oh, you poor thing! Does he need my help? 496 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:23,720 Oh... Oh... 497 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,440 Would you? 498 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,080 Oh, thanks. 499 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,160 This is so lovely of you. 500 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,720 He's been really struggling at the minute. 501 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,440 So what do you think? 502 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,000 I think I want to go and find Gareth and have a steak. 503 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,280 It's nice! It's just like meat. 504 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,200 This is as like meat as I'm like... 505 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,640 ..a goose. 506 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,240 You'll be helping the environment by 507 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,440 stopping cows from farting. 508 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,880 You think this isn't going to make me fart? 509 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,160 Give me half an hour, I'll be going off like a tug boat. 510 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,080 I'm eating it, aren't I? I'm eating it. 511 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,720 Bollocks! What? 512 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:06,880 Oh, it's him. 513 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,160 Who? 514 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,360 Gareth! 515 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,160 Oh, God, 516 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,960 you still love him, don't you? 517 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,480 He's amazing. 518 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,720 Oh. 519 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,160 All right. I'll do it. 520 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,600 Do what? 521 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,680 I'll go vegan one day a week. 522 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,560 I can stomach this shit one day a week. 523 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:40,920 How's that going to help? 524 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,560 Use your brains. 525 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,760 If I'm not eating meat one day a week, 526 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:48,360 it means that Gareth can go on his meat orgies, can't he? 527 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,400 Cos there'll be one person not eating meat, all the time. 528 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,640 Right? 529 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,200 No, you... You wouldn't stick to that. 530 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,160 You think I wouldn't eat a soya sausage for love? 531 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,960 I'll eat a soya sausage for love. 532 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,280 Go on, go after him! 533 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,120 You'll catch him easy, he's only got legs. 534 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,240 Hello, boss. 535 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,720 Yeah. 536 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:26,840 He's there? All right. 537 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,320 No, I'm just down the road. 538 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,000 Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done. 539 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,040 All right. 540 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,120 All right? Yeah. 541 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:47,320 What are they, mate? 542 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,280 They pork, yeah? Yeah. 543 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:50,680 Go on, sort me out. 544 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,440 Liar! 545 00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,640 Sumo Santa! 546 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,200 I can walk! 547 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:01,240 Oh!